What are verbal and emotional abuse in the couple?
By psychological or emotional violence we mean that which causes emotional damage, affects self-esteem, value, perception of oneself and one's dignity. They are behaviors aimed at denigrating, controlling, manipulating and punishing one's partner. These types of attacks are sometimes very subtle but their impact is enormous; occur in the form of insults, humiliations, blame or guilt, dishonor, threats, requests for obedience or submission, blackmail, rejection, abandonment, and the use of disqualifying words against the woman, both in public and in private. Jealousy and constant vigilance are also forms of psychological aggression.
The personality of the abusive partner
The abusive partner wants to control and dominate. Verbal abuse is the means by which it achieves this purpose. He is self-centered, impatient, not very empathetic, extremely jealous and suspicious. To maintain control over the partner and the situation, the abuser tries to isolate the partner from friends and family. His mood typically slips from romance to anger and threats.
Robin Stern distinguishes three categories of abusers / manipulators:
The intimidator: threatens / intimidates with scenes based on screams and offenses, threats of abandonment and aggressive statements that are intended to leverage the victim's insecurities and hurt her;
The seducer: the perfect partner, always attentive, kind and thoughtful. But his behaviors do not consider the real needs of the other but are aimed only at satisfying himself and feeling appreciated. He makes the victim feel inadequate and disappointing, or even "freaked out" or "hysterical" at her requests or reactions.
The good guy: in love, reliable, helpful and compliant. He enacts a sort of silent psychological terrorism characterized by coldness, lack of participation or silent disappointment, accompanied by words that deny what is instead shown with facts.
The people most at risk are the submissive ones. If you consider yourself to be one of them then you should ask yourself if you have ever accepted your partner's behavior to avoid confrontation.
Main techniques of verbal abuse
Opposition: This technique consists in attacking everything that is said, challenging perceptions, suppositions, thoughts and beliefs. It feels treated like an opponent to be fought.
Blocking: The manipulator escapes the most direct, honest and forthright communication by using indirect passive aggressive methods. He can gossip behind his back, use a spokesperson to communicate unpleasant things, sulk, procrastinate, and forget anything he doesn't want to do. The abuser responds by closing the conversation with phrases such as "Let's talk about it at another time. Now I'm busy ”,“ now I don't want to talk ”,“ what nonsense you say ”,“ imagine, I don't know what you're talking about ”.
Devaluation: it belittles the emotions, problems and difficulties of the partner to emphasize that it does not matter what one feels or worse that it is wrong, unless he can use them as a basis to highlight his discomforts. The manipulator also devalues simply by listening to the partner's story but immediately remembering how much he / she suffers much more and how much greater her / his problems are.
Denial: the manipulator tends to deny his own actions, words and / or promoted and by taking back his word, directs the focus on the other and on her lack of attention and memory. "I've never said that. As usual, you are careless and you don't remember well! ”.
Control: He exercises control over others by leveraging feelings of guilt. He finds all possible reasons for hitting his partner until he reaches exhaustion. "It's your fault that I did it"
Deceit: The manipulator projects problems and responsibilities onto his partner as he is unable to take real responsibility for his own behavior. He is unable to apologize, to recognize his actions and consequently to improve himself. "You forced me" "it's your fault"
Intimidation: He attacks with anger, using aggressive language, threatening in a subtle and subtle way. He uses intimidation on sensitive people to get ahead and control them quickly. The goal is to promote insecurity, fear, fear and / or discomfort in the partner to get what she wants. "If you don't do what I asked you will suffer the consequences"
Exploitation: consciously or unconsciously seeks relationships with vulnerable people as they are more predisposed to being malleable and controlled. Easily identify people who need confirmation, pleasure, and who are willing to overshadow their needs over their own. The manipulator initially appears thoughtful and sensitive but over time begins to exploit the sensitivity and availability of the other person for his own gain. "I don't care if you're chubby, even if you might lose a few kilos"
Egocentrism: within the couple, what happens to the manipulator conditions the partner. When he's angry, unhappy, or unhappy, he gets everyone to focus on him. “I spent the day arguing at work today. Do I come back and can't even find dinner ready? "
Some examples of emotional abuse are as follows:
- Threatened suicide if the partner leaves or behaves differently than desired;
- Frequent insults, humiliations and stinging statements;
- Behavior control, even appearance, who you go out with and what you do;
- Threats or intimidating behavior;
- Manipulation through guilt or victimization.
Other much more indirect forms are instead:
- Treatment of silence, ie when the person refuses to speak or
- Refusing to have sex to achieve something.
- Jokes in bad taste, do not express any compliments or attempts to encourage the partner.
- Threatening to end the relationship (or to leave home) after a small argument.
- Do not allow your partner to talk to anyone of the opposite sex.
- Check the partner's phone, to check for calls, messages, etc.
- Being jealous, even for no reason.
- Blame the partner for personal problems.
Emotional abuse can easily trigger anxiety in those who experience it in the short and long term. In severe cases it can lead to a combination of anxiety and depression, and even panic attacks.